When I Screamed

Today I went to an ATM to get some money to pay for the rent. The landlord had run out with his patience after a long wait of one week. I went there on a borrowed bike, parked it outside the kiosk, on the road and went straight in. Little did I know thulla-logg(cops) do have special plans for such locations. In the space of two minutes they towed the bike and shunned me. Fucktards, they know outside an ATM one can't even pretend not to have money.

I pleaded, they puked.

I paid and they moved.

Cut To:
Flashback. 4 years ago.

EXT. Road-- Evening
ME, DOGGY and SPORTY are riding on my bike. Awesome threesome. We are just out of the premiere of Zinda. Sporty is an allrounder-great shuttler,athlete and a brilliant cricketer. Add to that fattu also. Doggy is doggy just because he is doggy and has 'I dont know whats going around' written on his face. One of the happiest men I met. IGNORANCE IS BLISS not for nothing after all.

We have no helmet, licence, RC- nothing.

SPORTY

What a movie, yaar?

DOGGY

Korean film ka remake hai.

This was the only thing he knew and kept repeating right before we entered till next Friday. I dont respond. Just happy being with them, happy being with life, happy riding the bike.

Sporty-the fattu, suuddenly sees one thulla on a bike.

SPORTY

Bhagga isko banchod, maamu peeche hai.

Even the mammu who was lost in his world notices it.

THULLA(Shouting)
Side lo.

Side lo isko.

Not that we have no money but we hate to pay thullas. My evil mind has other plans and I pretend to slow down the bike.

ME

Sporty, get down and run in that street.

SPORTY

What?

ME(Shouting)

Get down and run in that street,

I am gonna run.

Thulla gets the hint before Sporty and brings his bike closer to mine. He stretches his hand to take the key. Sporty is down by now.Thulla is alomst at us, I grab his hands and pushes him with his bike. He meets mother earth, mouth faced. I am ecstatic and ridding between 90-100.

DOGGY

Maashiode (thats MF in Hyderabadi)

Maashiode, what the fuck do you

think you have done?

ME

Just keep quite, lemme drive.

DOGGY

He had wireless with him.

We are gonna be ' Over & Out'

ME

Shut up. We are close to Necklace Road.

5 mins and we are on Road # 10.

DOGGY

Khairatabad, they will be there in Khairatebad.

And believe me you will come to know

what it takes messing around thullas.

He knew it really was not a film shoot.
It was an act that would land us in soup.

ME(trembling)

Ok we will go via Lakdi Ka Pool then.

But dont scare the balls out of me.

Be cool, it ll be ok.

Cut To:

EXT. Kiosk-- Day

We are at Rehman's sutta joint, Sporty is addressing a group of 10 odd budding, lunatic managers -the misers who feel alive just because they have ciggarette in their hand. Hes narrating them my daredevilery not knowing nothing would trigger those losers.

SPORTY

Thullae ko!

banchod thulle ko!

Hes crazy. I had to run in the street I never entered.

Thanks for that cyber cafe or I would have gone.

Hes psycho, never sit behind him.

Those listening, some are amused but most disapprove. It was at this moment that I learnt people never care who I am, they never will. I had pulled the stunt of my life and they didn't even move.

I shrugg and puff and don't utter.

CUT TO:
EXT. ATM-- Day(Present)

When I never paid heed I did succeed,

I try to be decent and I am left to bleed.

Life keeps playing slut that is her only gleam.

I just lost 200 bucks and I want to scream.

P.S. Koi lauta de mere bite hue din

Once Upon A Time in Recession

Assed out again he has finally decided to pursue his dream. No more chasing, no more licking. Times are not good in general but for him it’s all the same. It has been same for last three years. But those close to him are making sure it gets worse. Here’s a glimpse of some of the colorful conversation he had with them-

J, the one he has a special bond with calls.
All well?

He
All is well when you are in hell.
Believe me there is this deep urge to yell.
And there is nothing else to tell.
I wish I had a body that I could sell.


J
See the only thing I find in you is passion and a will to go through the grind. Shit happens but carry along.

He
Yeah. You are right-shit happens. Not too sure about others but it happens to me all the time. Don’t mind I will carry along. As if there are options if I don’t.

J
See, I told you struggle is just a word to others but the one who goes through it, he knows how ugly an adjective is it.

He
J, you know what, this is the only good thing that ever came out of your mouth, which has been stinking with those babes’ lipstick you keep licking. Seeing you first time, I had never expected you will talk like this. It was a pleasant surprise. But you are so repetitive about it that it’s no more a placebo. So will you please keep quite and tell me if there is anything you are designing lately?

J
He has understood the frustration and situation. ‘Man, boss calling up, talk to you later. Take good care of you.’ Cuts the phone.

His bro, Mr. SS(supremely supportive), wants to make sure he is all good. After all, he’s been the only regular link with the family. After the Mangal Pandey act rest of them have distanced themselves and how happy and content all of them are. But SS has seen the world, at least physically, though not as closely as him. And it shows in the way he is pampering (read pestering) this ambitious ass.

SS
So how is it coming, kiddy?

He
Great Bro. Never realized my life can be this beautiful. Babes are coming fast and going faster when I am at Panwalla to fetch my cigarette. Bills are coming so regularly. Sleep is also coming but only after sulking the whole night. But it’s coming though. It’s great coming so far.

SS
You know what, people talk big of dreams, of taking their life in their own hands but you are actually doing it. Success and failure are not in our hands but efforts are. I am happy you are giving it all.

He-to himself
(How cruel world this world is. Now this man has traveled all across and he has seen people sulking in various ways, now he wants to see it closely. And he has become so ruthless he doesn’t even spare his own blood)

That’s right, I guess, bro. Let see how it goes after coming so heavily.

SS
Hey do tell me anytime you are in trouble and I mean financial.

He
(Now he is ready to sponsor my suffering also. This is height.)
Yeah. Sure.


Ms Singh she is his former colleague (HR) and one of the few followers to read his erratic whims. She understands the situation much better and accordingly suggests solutions.

Singh
Man, long time no post on the blog, no calls. What’s the matter?

He
The fact my dear, is that I no longer have a corporate connection-thanks to you and your entire HR Team, I no longer have a job either. Anyways its great to know that you guys spend 2 cr. a day to sponsor that shitty league and save peanuts cutting balls of a trivia as insignificant as me.

Singh
Come off it. At least YOU don’t talk like a loser. Its 4th time I am calling, what were you doing?

He
I was just sleeping.

Singh
4 PM and you were sleeping. Were you in the dance bar or what in the night?

He
I was just selling cigarettes at the Chowk. You know I am making 2 rupees per cigarette in night and believe me it’s the only business where there is 50 percent margin even in recession. Night Life is great here and I am able to earn enough to feed myself.

Singh
I feel for you. I wish you were not born in India. I wish there were strip bars in India. In times like these people like you could sustain with out compromising their sleep. This is a tabooed society. Why can’t they allow male stripping?

He
Thanks dear. At least you are the one who understand my situation.

Singh
No need to tell. Friends are for these times only.

He
Hey tell me one thing, one day when I am successful, when every one around recognizes me, when I am famous, will you handle my PR? They are not wrong when they say you are better off in PR than HR.

Singh
That I know but to be a PR to a stripper, that would be awkward.

He
Get lost.

His mentor and patron has this special bond with him. There is significant amount of pep talk, books and contacts that the mentor has invested in him. So one day the patron calls up the protégé to make sure everything is all right.

Patron
What’s up dude? Done with that stuff you told about?

He
No yet, sir. IPL just screwed it up. I hope to finish it in next couple of weeks.

Patron
So you are dreading deadlines even before you are anything. Good. Did you meet Mittal?

He
Yes, I did. He told me he has no say in creative and worse still he informed Creative Director is not gay either. In short no chance what so fucking ever.

Patron
What about Nishit?

He
I had a long discussion with him too. He is an enlightened man. He spent about an hour with me explaining how this is not a good time to begin with. He is an encyclopedia on recession. It was great meeting him, though I wanted to hit him on the balls the moment he mentioned recession. But I wanted to test my limit of patience, I am glad I could endure him.

There is a quartet in his life as well. The foursome, with whom he drank, drove and doped and danced. They are all missing him at the Fountain, at the Farm and in the Market. But they don’t know SH, O, C& K(SHOCK) all of them together, are giving him the shock of his life. They don’t do much they just ask ‘How is it going, yaar?’


SH
Hey man, went to any beach or not?

He
Last week. It was not a good experience.

SH
What happened?

He
Nothing much. It’s just that I went there in the night. A couple was making out on those falling waves. I got charged and started jerking off.

SH
Shit! on beach? Did anyone see you?

He
Yup on beach. There was a gay just a few feet away. I couldn’t notice it was dark. Suddenly I realized there were two hands on my thighs.

SH
Then?

He
Then what. I told myself to be brave, pushed him aside and ran as hard as I could never.

SH
Ohh!

He
This city is not for loner, yaar. I miss you guys.

O
Wrote something lately?

He
Yeah. Good that you called. It was just the other night I wrote ‘Chutiya’ on my ass with a marker.

O
Interesting. But why?

He
Its for all those men sitting on couch. If anyone tries to cast it in my ass he will see that writing on the ass.

O
Innovative thinking, I must say.

He
I just want people to forget that phrase ‘Writing on the wall’ instead remember it as ‘Writing on the ass.’

C
How is the weather there?

He
C, my jaan. Weather is good, pitch (my ass) is nice and flat. It has bounce in it early on but good for banging I mean batting as the sun shines out. But the problem is recession. None of them is willing to take the early risk.

K
Any good news?

He
K thank god you called. Good news? Yeah there are many. KJO was cordial, ADI is supportive. Screwala doesn’t screw around. He understands the cinema.

K
Don’t tell me.

He
Don’t YOU tell me fucker. Industry mere baap ki hai na. They were just waiting for me only to arrive. There are people struggling since ages. And the way things are they will continue for next few lives. Good news my fuck.

K
Its ok. Take it easy.

He
I was just yelling. You too take it easy.

Don't Ever

“I don’t understand this strategic break in a T20 game? Its got nothing to do with strategy, its all about Ad revenues.” What’s your take on it?
But do you really think IPL has got something to do with cricket? Its all about money. You interviewing me is also about money, everything is about money.

Why there is no movie in multiplexes? Why they are on strike?
Multiplex wallas want 33 percent reservation in parliament. They say they serve public more than anybody. Moreover when Dabba wallas can go to Harvard they at least deserve to be in parliament. They have promised to run parliament debates on their screens. What else do you want?

Who is fake IPL player?
The only real thing in this fake world.

Why the congress didn’t give ticket to Arjun Singh’s daughter?
Congress told him “but my dear, you didn’t pass the reservation bill for it.”

Why Prakash Karat won’t be a PM?
Because the only beautiful thing left with the Left is his wife and she is no where in the promo of this PM movie. Lalu, Paswan, Amar Singh, Sharad Pawar wont mind lending a supporting hand provided She asks for it. Don't think otherwise, I only mean they will do it for the sheer respect for Bhartiya Nari. May be in the second half we could see some twist.

CAT, from now on will be conducted by foreign agency. Can you explain?
Honey, we are a generous nation. We love to give away our best things. Nonetheless we will take it back in future via some auction like the Gandhi stuff we got recently. We love to give fortune for peanuts and then spend forunte to get some peanuts back.

“I will give Mayawati a jhappi and also a pappi.” Would you like to comment on what Sanju said?
It just goes on to show his taste.

What’s your take on recession?
It has receded in my ass and I have moved on.

Australia isn’t be sending their Davis Cup squad in India. Won’t it affect India’s image?
This was bound to happen. What else do you expect when you dictate Sania to play in a Saari?
Sania’s strength is her backhand, I mean back end. When you will hide it in a Saari there will be no audience, no opponents. She just won a mixed double tournament after four years. Thanks to her back end she could distract.

Indian cinema is changing. There is a new wave with exciting talent, new ideas, new content. Who would you like to attribute it to?
The fact that casting couch has got acceptance in media as well with general public, it reflects in the work. When everyone concerned is happy and satisfied it shows on screen.

“Cast your vote.” “This isn’t the end but this at least is the beginning.” “You can bring the change.” “Be the change you want to be”
Everywhere on TV, all stars are chanting these words. Will it really be able to inspire youth?
Everyone one knows they are shooting from their ass. None of them knows what they are really talking about. As for change it will only reaffirm the belief of the youth in the uselessness of it all. And they will prefer to enjoy the boring IPL matches after this. Good for them good for IPL.

Advaniji says “Manmohan Singh is the weakest Prime Minister ever.”
Probably he is telling form his experience.

Ms Swaraj and surprisingly Ms Bharti also proclaim Advaniji is a “Majboot Neta”
They must be sharing their experience. But at this age I wonder.

Interview is over. Journo thanks him and leaves. After five minutes he gets a call. Ohh, its journo again.

He

Hi journo. Forgot something?

Journo

Forgot my fuck. So you think you

are funny. You scum. You know what-

In just half an hour, in bloody half

An hour my balls got

chocked with water in them.

You think you are funny.

It takes balls and it takes

Brains to be funny.

He

Journo?

Journo

No, its not recession,

Its your brain that is

Inside your rotten ass

And your balls got busted

In that couch you wanted to be

cast in. You think you are funny.

You want to have fun.

He

Calm down journo.

You don’t know what

Are ya sayin?

Journo

I bet you I know.

This fuckin job of mine.

Every time, everywhere I get to deal

with People like you.

Today waana tell you I

Wont take it anymore.

Motherfucker you think

You are funny. Don’t

Ever try to be funny again.

Someone will stick it up ur ass

And your brain will be in trouble then

You Asshole. You want to be funny.

.

.

.

.

Don’t ever.

Lamhe-The momnets

When honor turned into a horror

How honor operates in a man? I wish it was just another line or to elaborate just another line-to me. It’s from Fountainhead and its Gail discussing it with Dominique. Though every word in the book is special in its own right, this line stands out- to me. Having read that line numerously, I often contemplate about this horror genre. I juxtapose my mistakes and my so called high points and try to find how honored or horror-ed I feel at them. Expectedly, I find myself in an endless stream of guilt and with a slight ray of hope that one day I would be able to turn myself around.

I am detailing out one incident when my honor was mocked, raped and was turned into a horrific horror. It was during my stint with an Architectural Firm. I was in the Business Development and my job was to sell the firm to prospective clients. I had used big jargons during the interview and so expectations were commensurate. A few months into the job, I hadn’t done anything substantial to justify my salary. My boss (He is a certain Chopra and yes very much like Prem and also Pret Chopra to be specific) had given me constant reminders to raise my level of competence. I mean competence in designing glossy presentations and articulately deliver them. It wasn’t that I didn’t try but my best effort was still not good enough. So, one day the death bell finally rang. He asked me to look for another job and gave me three months for it. Since the beginning he had been ruthless, unsupportive, inhuman and aloof. But at that moment he was all of them together and much more.

On one side I wanted to shout-Did you ever sit with me? Did you, for once, help me learn the craft? I am just a fresher and I needed some guidance. But why- was on another side.
I knew he was devil only to me and not to his work. He was always apt at it- be in decorating power point templates or delivering the same to Sarkari Babus as well to big developers. He was just good at it.

I was in dilemma; I wanted to kick his balls and also wanted badly to learn some of the art from him. So, to save my so called honor-I followed the escape route and threw my resignation at his table within next five minutes. He tried to stop but washroom was calling. I bolted the door from inside. No, I didn’t jerk, I cried loudly- at my helplessness and at his dexterity, at my willingness to learn and at his inhumanness. It was -he was logical but still not consistent and I was bad but not bad enough kind of situation.

By evening, I was with my room mate who tried to console me with sweeteners and exhortations like- Yaar- you are not that bad, uttha lein salle ko (he had been a college time goon and so did I) , to hell with that job et al. I gave up and we drank and everything was normal by morning.

I am fascinated towards big words, don’t know since when-but I am. I pick them up, try to follow them and then the practicality of life ensues and I curse not me but those words-why they were invented at all. Thus honor is still an unsolved mystery and I never feel dignified. Thanks to my early life bad company, I still commit grossest of the things and then try to play with the words (I am doing it now) to delude myself.

What the fuck are benchmarks for?
Why are you born when you know you can never be perfect?
Why did I do that?
Why I still do that?
Why carnal pleasures (sex, cigarette) can never be overpowered?

(It’s a senseless post of mine but I had to write it and please, don’t suggest yoga and spirituality and self help books. It’s a psychological issue and I am on my way to become a psycho to overcome it.)