The Cult of Appam

Not that he’s some writing sensation or the hype that surrounds him that is prompting me to write this piece. But when an historical metaphor emerges from some one who is fake, it makes an interesting story. The fake has given the world a hope-

A hope that steadies the ship when in storm.
A dope that brings trance when life’s in form.
A loser’s dream, a winner’s cream
Imagine all in chorus, imagine all in scream…..
APPAM- APPAM-APPAM- APPAM-APPAM-APPAM

People this post is about Appam. Confused? Ok here’s a background story. Appam-ly err apparently, Appam is a member of our national cricket team and he is a fast bowler and a saint from God’s own country. I know, we all know who I am talking about so let’s stop it here.

The efforts put into create Appam, the hard work, the fake behind Appam’s fate everything is here. However, for your convenience and my philoaophical interpretation and explaination I am pasting underneath the entire Appam manuscript. Enjoy it and see how Appam’s new found celebrity status lands him in Bollywood and in History.

When fake sees Appam in a party-
Appam Chutiya was also there. I don't know what he is doing in SA coz he aint fit to play at all. Apparently, he is their main cheerleader. If so, I don't see him dancing around in mini skirts at the boundary line. But he sure was dancing here. Doing his stupid, ill-rhythmed break dance steps on club beats. He stood in one corner as if he doesn't want to get mobbed. But dude, nobody here cares a fuck for who you are. To them you are just a duffus with colored hair, glasses and strange dance steps. I went to the bar counter to get myself a drink. I overheard 2 girls talking. One of them seemed to be of Indian origin. They were talking about Appam Chutiya. One of them said that "he doesn't have a nose. He has 2 large holes instead of a nose".

Fake’s take on Appam’s slap-gate
Apparently, Appam Chutiya wasn't slapped by Meera Bhai aka turbulator during last yr's tournament. He was crying because his team owner Babli hugged everyone after the match other than him. The Prince of Patiala aka yuhin saw an opportunity to take Meera Bhai out of the equation and accused him of slapping Appam. I think Appam is still waiting for that hug.

Appam’s claim to fame-
Appam Chutiya's name is now cast in stone as his own players are also calling him that

Appam unperturbed by success-
And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who's unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard.

Appam as King maker-
But look at the Bubblies. They have played a master stroke. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That's enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open, and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. SUperb! Superb!

Appam’s surprise act-
Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It's amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being.

Appam and humanity-
So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him. Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who've made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?

Appam’s Class
Finally, as they say in English, "Form is temporary, class is permanent". Or, as they say in Hindi "Appam ka Samay aur Chutiya hamesha kat-ta hai". Appam's done it again. First, he messes with a guy twice his size who has just belted him for sixes & fours, and then he goes to Cool Dude asking about his chances of making it to the T20 WC team if the main bowler doesn't recover in time. Cool Dude just laughed it off saying that he doesn't plan on visiting the match referee during the T20 WC.

Appam and Prince-
The Prince is quite pissed with Appam. He's been trying to tell Appam to reduce his attitude and improve his bowling. I have heard that nothing pisses off Appam more these days than someone calling him by his new name - Appam. Apparently, Big Mac had called him just that during change of overs the other day. And Cool Dude, who was batting with Mac at the time, had a huge grin on his face when he heard him say so. Prince hit him exactly where it hurts by saying, "Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai". When the boss cracks a joke, you got to roll on the floor with laughter. The whole team was in splits after that comment, although Appam wasn't quite amused. Probably he doesn't like people calling him only by his first name.

That was Appam’s character sketch and evolution and I know you are excited. But even Bollywood is singing Appam-anthem these days. Anurag Kashyap recently approached Appam for Gulaal’s sequal. Refer original promo here

This is Appam’s introduction in Gulaal-2

APPAM
Haan hun appam,
Ganda dance karta hun,
Pant bhi gandi karta hun
Bowling usse bhi gandi karta hun,
Field mein 6Ke khatta hun
Field ke bahar appam katvata hun
His highness APPAM-jay naam hai mera


Forget Vijay in Deewar, Forget Ransa in Gulaal just cherish Appam in Gullal-2

APPAM
Sleevless daal ke aata hai!
Mere se jyada 6ke khata hai !
Bubli se hug bhi leta hai !
Silicon hai uske pass !
.
.
.
.
Mere pass hole hain hole (points to his nose err his holes)

Voice Over- Silicon is temporary, holes are permanent….

Gulaal -2 Theme-
Iss Mulak ne harr saksh ko jo kaam tha sopa
Iss Mulak ne harr saksh ko jo kaam tha sopa
.
.
.
Uss saksh ne uss kaam ka APPAM bana ke kata

But the buck doesn’t stop here. Apparently Dil-Don, the King himself is making Knight Rider’s Kaante. It will show how rider’s shot each other on their way to gutter. Appam’s is in special appearance doing the role of Mahesh Manjarekar. Here’s the teaser

Prince: Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai

Appam: Hun appam, hun saala appam, to kya?
.
.
Naak ki gazhai 2 hole dekhe kahin------------ -hun saala appam to kya?
School mein kabhi pant mein piss kiya? …….…..hun saala appam to kya ?

HAQ ke liye nahi maine HUG ke liye thappad khaya. phir bhi, phir bhi hug nahi mila. mili to kya tarikh, tarikh pe tarikh tarikh pe ---hun saala appam to kya?

tu- tu saale 6 maar ke bhi match harvata hai..Shakal dikha ke, sirf shakal dikha ke match jeetata hun.. hun saala appam, to kya?

Haan lekin ek baat yaad rakh APPAM ka Samay aur Appam, hamesha kat-te aaya hain..aur yeh yun hi kat-ta rahega…………………hun saala appam, to kya?

Yes, friends the day is not far when the cult of Appam will reach it’s critical mass. There will be Appam T-shirts, Appam handbags, Appam vibrators, Appam key rings. And everywhere you will find people talking--

Appam, movie thi, yaar?

Appam, lagta hai shakal se saala.

Khush mat ho Appam kaat rahi hai tera.

Appam job hai yaar, kya kaaren?

Appam saale, to cheez hai cheez.

Kya Appam-appa hai yaar?


If Don Quixote redefined idealism, if Catch-22 galvinized chicken-egg puzzle, Appam will go down in the annuls of history as the single most Indian contribution to literature in revolutionizing CHUTIYAPPA. (AMEN, AMEN, AMEN)

Aditya Lunch

I was on my sarcastic and jocular mode just five minutes ago. I wrote some forcefully funny comments and thought I am good at sarcasm. In short was feeling good for myself. Our maid was on leave today so we had ordered dinner from Aditya Lunch (they do serve nice parathas). The boy came and everything was gone in a moment. He is 11 years old and I couldn’t dare ask his name. This is the sight I keep running away from don’t know since when. He is a happy cheerful kid. Unaware of anything (ignorance is bliss-fuck that).

Whats your age?
11 years.

Its 12’o clock what time do you go home?
1 bajj jaata hai bhaiyya.

And what time you are back in the morning?
7 baje.

How much do they pay you?
1200. Kuch aur achha hai to batao na bhaiyya .

You want to go to school? (Asked as if I am the only savior and could arrange for it)
He was going away don’t remember what he said.

So I am feeling bad.

• What difference does it make?
• And I think I am the only sufferer, fuck me.
• I won’t call Aditya Lunch again as if it would help in my escape.
• I won’t eat now as if my Satyagrah would empower me with some magical stick.
  
• And even if in future I am able to support 1-2 kids it would be a guarantee for no such sight.
  
  Life is a bitch and it’ll keep reminding I am a dog, wherever I go.

When I Screamed

Today I went to an ATM to get some money to pay for the rent. The landlord had run out with his patience after a long wait of one week. I went there on a borrowed bike, parked it outside the kiosk, on the road and went straight in. Little did I know thulla-logg(cops) do have special plans for such locations. In the space of two minutes they towed the bike and shunned me. Fucktards, they know outside an ATM one can't even pretend not to have money.

I pleaded, they puked.

I paid and they moved.

Cut To:
Flashback. 4 years ago.

EXT. Road-- Evening
ME, DOGGY and SPORTY are riding on my bike. Awesome threesome. We are just out of the premiere of Zinda. Sporty is an allrounder-great shuttler,athlete and a brilliant cricketer. Add to that fattu also. Doggy is doggy just because he is doggy and has 'I dont know whats going around' written on his face. One of the happiest men I met. IGNORANCE IS BLISS not for nothing after all.

We have no helmet, licence, RC- nothing.

SPORTY

What a movie, yaar?

DOGGY

Korean film ka remake hai.

This was the only thing he knew and kept repeating right before we entered till next Friday. I dont respond. Just happy being with them, happy being with life, happy riding the bike.

Sporty-the fattu, suuddenly sees one thulla on a bike.

SPORTY

Bhagga isko banchod, maamu peeche hai.

Even the mammu who was lost in his world notices it.

THULLA(Shouting)
Side lo.

Side lo isko.

Not that we have no money but we hate to pay thullas. My evil mind has other plans and I pretend to slow down the bike.

ME

Sporty, get down and run in that street.

SPORTY

What?

ME(Shouting)

Get down and run in that street,

I am gonna run.

Thulla gets the hint before Sporty and brings his bike closer to mine. He stretches his hand to take the key. Sporty is down by now.Thulla is alomst at us, I grab his hands and pushes him with his bike. He meets mother earth, mouth faced. I am ecstatic and ridding between 90-100.

DOGGY

Maashiode (thats MF in Hyderabadi)

Maashiode, what the fuck do you

think you have done?

ME

Just keep quite, lemme drive.

DOGGY

He had wireless with him.

We are gonna be ' Over & Out'

ME

Shut up. We are close to Necklace Road.

5 mins and we are on Road # 10.

DOGGY

Khairatabad, they will be there in Khairatebad.

And believe me you will come to know

what it takes messing around thullas.

He knew it really was not a film shoot.
It was an act that would land us in soup.

ME(trembling)

Ok we will go via Lakdi Ka Pool then.

But dont scare the balls out of me.

Be cool, it ll be ok.

Cut To:

EXT. Kiosk-- Day

We are at Rehman's sutta joint, Sporty is addressing a group of 10 odd budding, lunatic managers -the misers who feel alive just because they have ciggarette in their hand. Hes narrating them my daredevilery not knowing nothing would trigger those losers.

SPORTY

Thullae ko!

banchod thulle ko!

Hes crazy. I had to run in the street I never entered.

Thanks for that cyber cafe or I would have gone.

Hes psycho, never sit behind him.

Those listening, some are amused but most disapprove. It was at this moment that I learnt people never care who I am, they never will. I had pulled the stunt of my life and they didn't even move.

I shrugg and puff and don't utter.

CUT TO:
EXT. ATM-- Day(Present)

When I never paid heed I did succeed,

I try to be decent and I am left to bleed.

Life keeps playing slut that is her only gleam.

I just lost 200 bucks and I want to scream.

P.S. Koi lauta de mere bite hue din

Once Upon A Time in Recession

Assed out again he has finally decided to pursue his dream. No more chasing, no more licking. Times are not good in general but for him it’s all the same. It has been same for last three years. But those close to him are making sure it gets worse. Here’s a glimpse of some of the colorful conversation he had with them-

J, the one he has a special bond with calls.
All well?

He
All is well when you are in hell.
Believe me there is this deep urge to yell.
And there is nothing else to tell.
I wish I had a body that I could sell.


J
See the only thing I find in you is passion and a will to go through the grind. Shit happens but carry along.

He
Yeah. You are right-shit happens. Not too sure about others but it happens to me all the time. Don’t mind I will carry along. As if there are options if I don’t.

J
See, I told you struggle is just a word to others but the one who goes through it, he knows how ugly an adjective is it.

He
J, you know what, this is the only good thing that ever came out of your mouth, which has been stinking with those babes’ lipstick you keep licking. Seeing you first time, I had never expected you will talk like this. It was a pleasant surprise. But you are so repetitive about it that it’s no more a placebo. So will you please keep quite and tell me if there is anything you are designing lately?

J
He has understood the frustration and situation. ‘Man, boss calling up, talk to you later. Take good care of you.’ Cuts the phone.

His bro, Mr. SS(supremely supportive), wants to make sure he is all good. After all, he’s been the only regular link with the family. After the Mangal Pandey act rest of them have distanced themselves and how happy and content all of them are. But SS has seen the world, at least physically, though not as closely as him. And it shows in the way he is pampering (read pestering) this ambitious ass.

SS
So how is it coming, kiddy?

He
Great Bro. Never realized my life can be this beautiful. Babes are coming fast and going faster when I am at Panwalla to fetch my cigarette. Bills are coming so regularly. Sleep is also coming but only after sulking the whole night. But it’s coming though. It’s great coming so far.

SS
You know what, people talk big of dreams, of taking their life in their own hands but you are actually doing it. Success and failure are not in our hands but efforts are. I am happy you are giving it all.

He-to himself
(How cruel world this world is. Now this man has traveled all across and he has seen people sulking in various ways, now he wants to see it closely. And he has become so ruthless he doesn’t even spare his own blood)

That’s right, I guess, bro. Let see how it goes after coming so heavily.

SS
Hey do tell me anytime you are in trouble and I mean financial.

He
(Now he is ready to sponsor my suffering also. This is height.)
Yeah. Sure.


Ms Singh she is his former colleague (HR) and one of the few followers to read his erratic whims. She understands the situation much better and accordingly suggests solutions.

Singh
Man, long time no post on the blog, no calls. What’s the matter?

He
The fact my dear, is that I no longer have a corporate connection-thanks to you and your entire HR Team, I no longer have a job either. Anyways its great to know that you guys spend 2 cr. a day to sponsor that shitty league and save peanuts cutting balls of a trivia as insignificant as me.

Singh
Come off it. At least YOU don’t talk like a loser. Its 4th time I am calling, what were you doing?

He
I was just sleeping.

Singh
4 PM and you were sleeping. Were you in the dance bar or what in the night?

He
I was just selling cigarettes at the Chowk. You know I am making 2 rupees per cigarette in night and believe me it’s the only business where there is 50 percent margin even in recession. Night Life is great here and I am able to earn enough to feed myself.

Singh
I feel for you. I wish you were not born in India. I wish there were strip bars in India. In times like these people like you could sustain with out compromising their sleep. This is a tabooed society. Why can’t they allow male stripping?

He
Thanks dear. At least you are the one who understand my situation.

Singh
No need to tell. Friends are for these times only.

He
Hey tell me one thing, one day when I am successful, when every one around recognizes me, when I am famous, will you handle my PR? They are not wrong when they say you are better off in PR than HR.

Singh
That I know but to be a PR to a stripper, that would be awkward.

He
Get lost.

His mentor and patron has this special bond with him. There is significant amount of pep talk, books and contacts that the mentor has invested in him. So one day the patron calls up the protégé to make sure everything is all right.

Patron
What’s up dude? Done with that stuff you told about?

He
No yet, sir. IPL just screwed it up. I hope to finish it in next couple of weeks.

Patron
So you are dreading deadlines even before you are anything. Good. Did you meet Mittal?

He
Yes, I did. He told me he has no say in creative and worse still he informed Creative Director is not gay either. In short no chance what so fucking ever.

Patron
What about Nishit?

He
I had a long discussion with him too. He is an enlightened man. He spent about an hour with me explaining how this is not a good time to begin with. He is an encyclopedia on recession. It was great meeting him, though I wanted to hit him on the balls the moment he mentioned recession. But I wanted to test my limit of patience, I am glad I could endure him.

There is a quartet in his life as well. The foursome, with whom he drank, drove and doped and danced. They are all missing him at the Fountain, at the Farm and in the Market. But they don’t know SH, O, C& K(SHOCK) all of them together, are giving him the shock of his life. They don’t do much they just ask ‘How is it going, yaar?’


SH
Hey man, went to any beach or not?

He
Last week. It was not a good experience.

SH
What happened?

He
Nothing much. It’s just that I went there in the night. A couple was making out on those falling waves. I got charged and started jerking off.

SH
Shit! on beach? Did anyone see you?

He
Yup on beach. There was a gay just a few feet away. I couldn’t notice it was dark. Suddenly I realized there were two hands on my thighs.

SH
Then?

He
Then what. I told myself to be brave, pushed him aside and ran as hard as I could never.

SH
Ohh!

He
This city is not for loner, yaar. I miss you guys.

O
Wrote something lately?

He
Yeah. Good that you called. It was just the other night I wrote ‘Chutiya’ on my ass with a marker.

O
Interesting. But why?

He
Its for all those men sitting on couch. If anyone tries to cast it in my ass he will see that writing on the ass.

O
Innovative thinking, I must say.

He
I just want people to forget that phrase ‘Writing on the wall’ instead remember it as ‘Writing on the ass.’

C
How is the weather there?

He
C, my jaan. Weather is good, pitch (my ass) is nice and flat. It has bounce in it early on but good for banging I mean batting as the sun shines out. But the problem is recession. None of them is willing to take the early risk.

K
Any good news?

He
K thank god you called. Good news? Yeah there are many. KJO was cordial, ADI is supportive. Screwala doesn’t screw around. He understands the cinema.

K
Don’t tell me.

He
Don’t YOU tell me fucker. Industry mere baap ki hai na. They were just waiting for me only to arrive. There are people struggling since ages. And the way things are they will continue for next few lives. Good news my fuck.

K
Its ok. Take it easy.

He
I was just yelling. You too take it easy.

Don't Ever

“I don’t understand this strategic break in a T20 game? Its got nothing to do with strategy, its all about Ad revenues.” What’s your take on it?
But do you really think IPL has got something to do with cricket? Its all about money. You interviewing me is also about money, everything is about money.

Why there is no movie in multiplexes? Why they are on strike?
Multiplex wallas want 33 percent reservation in parliament. They say they serve public more than anybody. Moreover when Dabba wallas can go to Harvard they at least deserve to be in parliament. They have promised to run parliament debates on their screens. What else do you want?

Who is fake IPL player?
The only real thing in this fake world.

Why the congress didn’t give ticket to Arjun Singh’s daughter?
Congress told him “but my dear, you didn’t pass the reservation bill for it.”

Why Prakash Karat won’t be a PM?
Because the only beautiful thing left with the Left is his wife and she is no where in the promo of this PM movie. Lalu, Paswan, Amar Singh, Sharad Pawar wont mind lending a supporting hand provided She asks for it. Don't think otherwise, I only mean they will do it for the sheer respect for Bhartiya Nari. May be in the second half we could see some twist.

CAT, from now on will be conducted by foreign agency. Can you explain?
Honey, we are a generous nation. We love to give away our best things. Nonetheless we will take it back in future via some auction like the Gandhi stuff we got recently. We love to give fortune for peanuts and then spend forunte to get some peanuts back.

“I will give Mayawati a jhappi and also a pappi.” Would you like to comment on what Sanju said?
It just goes on to show his taste.

What’s your take on recession?
It has receded in my ass and I have moved on.

Australia isn’t be sending their Davis Cup squad in India. Won’t it affect India’s image?
This was bound to happen. What else do you expect when you dictate Sania to play in a Saari?
Sania’s strength is her backhand, I mean back end. When you will hide it in a Saari there will be no audience, no opponents. She just won a mixed double tournament after four years. Thanks to her back end she could distract.

Indian cinema is changing. There is a new wave with exciting talent, new ideas, new content. Who would you like to attribute it to?
The fact that casting couch has got acceptance in media as well with general public, it reflects in the work. When everyone concerned is happy and satisfied it shows on screen.

“Cast your vote.” “This isn’t the end but this at least is the beginning.” “You can bring the change.” “Be the change you want to be”
Everywhere on TV, all stars are chanting these words. Will it really be able to inspire youth?
Everyone one knows they are shooting from their ass. None of them knows what they are really talking about. As for change it will only reaffirm the belief of the youth in the uselessness of it all. And they will prefer to enjoy the boring IPL matches after this. Good for them good for IPL.

Advaniji says “Manmohan Singh is the weakest Prime Minister ever.”
Probably he is telling form his experience.

Ms Swaraj and surprisingly Ms Bharti also proclaim Advaniji is a “Majboot Neta”
They must be sharing their experience. But at this age I wonder.

Interview is over. Journo thanks him and leaves. After five minutes he gets a call. Ohh, its journo again.

He

Hi journo. Forgot something?

Journo

Forgot my fuck. So you think you

are funny. You scum. You know what-

In just half an hour, in bloody half

An hour my balls got

chocked with water in them.

You think you are funny.

It takes balls and it takes

Brains to be funny.

He

Journo?

Journo

No, its not recession,

Its your brain that is

Inside your rotten ass

And your balls got busted

In that couch you wanted to be

cast in. You think you are funny.

You want to have fun.

He

Calm down journo.

You don’t know what

Are ya sayin?

Journo

I bet you I know.

This fuckin job of mine.

Every time, everywhere I get to deal

with People like you.

Today waana tell you I

Wont take it anymore.

Motherfucker you think

You are funny. Don’t

Ever try to be funny again.

Someone will stick it up ur ass

And your brain will be in trouble then

You Asshole. You want to be funny.

.

.

.

.

Don’t ever.