Urge

Once again did speak, the urge

Will you follow me or will go merge?

Hey, lonely roads also pave for surge

Listen, hunger, too,is an option when all go splurge

Knee jerk may not be better than a nudge

Honey, just follow me and to hell with all who judge

P.S.-what if the urge is CHAOS???? As GG, my split-soul would say "God, save Thy Krrist"

Drowning of a Dream

With every setback arises a new challenge, begets a new dream. With every loss a dream is shattered, with every defeat a new dream afloats. He could have been better its the dream who did him in. He's been a loser yet its the dream that strengthens him. Life is a dream-full of dreams-good dreams, silly dreams, short dreams, not so hot dreams.

The amusing thing about dreams is, even while dreaming one is unsure of its attainability-one's own ability, its susceptibility-one's own vulnerability. One just goes on dreaming and dreaming. Even at the hindsight, there may be ifs and buts but there is never a single entity to blame-neither the dreamer nor those part of the dream nor even the dream. All his life he dreamed sweet dreams, pure dreams, long dreams but the ones that required inclusion of others-be it for sanction, be it for celebration. The more he tried the more he failed.

"Should one, then, dream within the boundary of reason and means only?" he is pondering.

A things that reasons itself out with immediate surrounding, he doesn't consider a dream. Its a settlement, an adjustment. a process oriented approach that may keep one busy but not a dream. A dream is dream first, reasoning later-limitless, borderless, adamant yet afresh, helpless yet uplifting, hurt but full of heart, dying yet flying-that's what a dream is to him.

It was neither rational nor in his means when he dreamed his dream but such insisting was his dream, it made him adamant. He would reason with situations, argue with people but always in favor of his dream. Some would relent, some would appreciate, most would harp, most would discourage. He cared for none, neither relations nor career, just his dream. After all, that was what a dream to him.

The ordeal had started much before he took his dream train yet he boarded it with aplomb. There was shine in his eyes, there was unyielding will to cross the final frontier and he never thought for a moment of failure and options thereafter. So naive was him, so unrelenting this world. And so deeply was he absorbed in his space, neither comfort nor majority mattered to him.

But as it happens mostly, just when he was almost there, just when he progenated his first prototype, demons of past would haunt him. Just when he was so close, he was overwhelmed. It was usual of him-his unpreparedness to accept the eternal longing whenever it knocked on his door. Whether it was love, whether his dream-he would get chocked in the final moments. The dream he had drowned in the same ocean he fought all life, the sea of circumstances, social norms, oddity. He knew all along he would have to reason-with people, with means, with fate, with system-everything that would give the final acknowledgement to his being. And he readied himself hard, too, but just when it was the time, just when his nerves needed to be held-he backed out. A stream of vague idealism had engulfed him-it was lying dormant all along but just when was required for it to sleep one more night, it roared furiously. It decimated everything that came its way but there came nothing except the infantile dream.

Is he hurt then? Yes but not for him, for his dream. After all, it was the dream that gave him the time of his life. There is never a failed dream nor a failed dreamer, there is mixed past and there is a missed tomorrow. He had betrayed his past and he killed his tomorrow. But such is ,usually, the fate of a wild chase.

It's been months now since the fiasco and he's wondering at the entire episode. An epic that was to be and that took six long and most important years in the making, had ended in a thunderous disaster. All these while he is trying to curb every urge to look ahead so close, after all, was his dream to him. With every 'what next?' there is a 'but why?' and 'for whom?'.

Those dreams are all drowned

Those eyebrows are all frowned,

He ,too, would've been crowned,

But the naivety would surround

From 'within' always came a sound

But it never yielded a penny forget about pound

He aimed for the sky that was not to be found

And he fought and lost all along the ground

Hearts break, dreams drown, people fail, men die, people try but such is life none bothers.

The Crop

Today I went to the field,

Today I missed the park;

Today the crop is dry,

Today things are dark;

Last year I was on a high,

Last year the crop was smart;

Today the crop did not exalt,

Today my life is on a halt;

Today I went to the field,

Today I missed the park;

A crop needs water, a spirit some fuel,

But God is thirsty but man is too cruel;

Today the crop is crying,

Today God is denying;

Today the man is flying,

Today the man is dying

Today I went to the field,

Today I missed the park;

A crop is a baby, a man a boy,

Today baby is hungry, today man is on ploy;

Today man is betraying the land,

Today man is suffering no end;

Today the man has hopes ,

But today the man lacks spark

Today the crop is dry

Today everything is dark.

Way Forward

Now that he's back to square zero its time to reflect, to ponder, to project his surroundings-the world around him-the world around him as it is, the world that can be the world that wont be. Having seen the world close to three decades, there were not always outbursts-there were hopes, dreams, aspirations, challenges in between but he was always prepared to take them on-thanks to that thing called Rush of young blood. But standing on this day there is left nothing-no desire to prove, no greed to take something back-only the Big O-Nothingness with out no end.

He now remember those sweats bled in the field to hone that pull shot to match Dravids & Pontings, those Words by hearted to take on the convent brigade, those push ups to maintain lean skelton, and lately those movies seen with utmost fervor to make one of his own.

But has it happened overnight? No. Has it taken just one failure for the courage and ambition to die down so easily? No. Nothing happens overnight-neither success nor giving up. It takes effort in both the cases-for to grab and to let loose .

But weren't there were warnings ? Yes, there were always. There was warning not to take Arts-he yielded. There was warning in taking up willow-he yielded. There was warning against Management education-he didn't. There was warning for upholding Roark-he stood up. There were warnings against frequent job changes-he never cared. There were warning against taking up film writing-he laughed.

So is there any one reason? Money and survival obviously are major factors but there is never a single reason for giving up. There are always permutations and combinations. Money he never cared-neither as a mean nor as an end. Its about belief, values, about man as he thought of-man that was never there. man that shall hardly ever be.

So who is to be blamed? None-not he neither all around him or probably all.

The world as it is: The world around him the moron, is ruled and governed by bigger morons. Be it public or private enterprise, media or politics, arts, sports or education, trade or entrepreneurship-the only way to succeed is by teaming up, forming cartels, giving up values, getting corrupted, sucking balls-plugging up with jerks. Honesty and Integrity were just another words for him as well. But the more he was denied his due the more he believed in them-the more he failed and the more he suffered. So its neither the fault of that man the moron held in highest esteem for his vision and values which were later to be given up for higher greed nor of that man who held Arts sacrosanct but later went on to build his own cartel. The fault doesn't all lie with the moron too-after all he believed what he visualized and could make of the world around him. The world at the end was found to be just another stage and having seen the drama from close quarters there was not a single actor that would inspire him to move on. The world what it has to offer coupled with his own follies and blunders was a difficult proposition to digest. The only place a Hero can be found is in crematory and doubts are so abound that he thinks if those too were made up stories or what. Yes nobody is perfect and none ever will be but still there should be a semblance of an Ideal once in a while.

The world that could be

Self Vs Self

Q: Wt's been eating you, dear, its been the longest hiatus since you started here? The only thing you were regular in life was to post here at least once a month?
A: Nothing. Its just that I am entraped in a wider web now-one covering this world around me and the other within me. These two were always there in the subconscious but the struggle never was this prominent. The battle now, as was earlier, is not whether to live for my self or for those around me, its about whether to live or not. Despite utter respect for Ms Rand I could never fully understand Objectivism though Howard Roark is the only philosphical conception glamorous enough for a chase and has consumed a large part of my life. But now Its Nihilism vs Existentialism.

Q: So, now again you are philosophizing?
A: What else am I supposed to do? The forces outside me are taking their toll and have badly affected my routine. Though I never acted on schedule, things were never this tangy.

Q: So what exactly is eroding you?
A: Nothing particular but time and again this debate of Sacrifice Vs Selfishness resurfaces. I, personally feel and of the firm view that there is no such thing as sacrifice. (Incidentally, this was casually put forth by a former pal who I would like to stay foremer). Sacrifice is a tool one uses not to control the benefactor's body and will, it's a deceptive mechanism that aims at ruling the intended souls.

Q:Would you elaborate? What about the pain one's parents go through to nourish their ward? Is that sacrifice, duty or debt they are repaying?
A: I, for one, believe that is their duty. But the ambience surrounding me claims in return the duty expected of a ward. Yes, a ward to fulfill his emtional and social karma, should look after and help financially and physically and as far as possible socially as well. But the modern day dilemna, especially of the world I come from, is about parents' effort to control vs progenies' mutiny and also children's neglect vs parent's helplessness.

Q: I must say that was the most vaguest of statements expected of you.
A: May be. But the concept of love especially unconditional love, has been dying down. The one against lust was a forgone conclusion but the situation has forced it to be the dominant one. And with every defeat belief in the enitre value system takes it toll.

Q: Are you trying to say you are being overrawed by local ingredients?
A: To an extent and without naming by the man I am most attached to and the most heartless soul I have ever seen. The more I try to strenghten him in whatever way I can, the murkier and greedier becomes his response. His ignorance is killing not only my respect for him but also my respect for his entire clan-one moment he is pleading, the next one he dictates just to fulfill his motive with out stating what exactly those are.

Q: So when you say you are being overrawed why not accept the deafeat and do as they wish?
A: The problem is not about acceptance. The issue is despite the nod my past is so irregular, they even suspect the most sincere of my attempts-be it former colleagues, parents, friends, relatives-its the same situation. They cant trust me and whatever has been done to me even I doubt each of their move.

Q: So you are saying none wants you to suceed?
A: They do may be they don't. But in either case its Catch 22 and I have no clue of this metaphycisim.

Q: May be you are rusty as expected of a jobless or one intellectual rightly pointed-entangling Culture with Idealism?
A: Being jobless has its repercussions and may be I am interwining the two but the reality as I have experienced, I observe and I imagine is too complex. Its too difficult either way to follow.
There has been an added burden of unstated responsibilities, which may be nothing at the end, but at the moment projects a world of its own.