The New Man in my Life - J

It’s not easy task to describe the mood when you finally meet that man in your life, the man you were waiting for all these whiles-the perfect partner-your man. He’s J-my latest obsession(Refer Pic). It’s been eight months since we first shook hand at the induction. Ahh! Those first moments when we felt each other’s energy in our hands, those were special and we are hand in pants since then. People! spar mae da horr (Spare me the horror) but he is the most charming face around (his skin, his stubble, his height, his lean but toned bod…… omg)- he is my newest

man after all. It becomes very difficult for me to suffer the office chores when he is not around. He comes over to my cubicle every twenty minute and I go to his after another ten minutes, means we are only ten minutes away from us. What clicks for us, why we so much like each other’s company, why are we an item are some of the things we will discuss in this Fashion-ably compelling Dostana tale?

Some random matchings-matings-musings-

>We are both from small towns with big dreams and lost trains. Yes, so are many but hell we care.
>We both are Big Time Brand Savvy-Italian brands to be specific. We both started our brands’ affair with Benetton (Benetau, this is how it’s actually pronounced) but he’s more inclined towards Sisley. Our ratio of apparel shopping is 1:2. i.e. for every single piece I buy he brings two and thanks to his business background. Our recent common crush is Alcott and Boggi is next in pipeline. Gucci, Armani, TOD, Zegna and Ferrari will have to wait for a while but they are not out of contention. Madura Garments and Arvind Brands are also in the fray but only when the stuff is good and different and we are in first week of the month. And we are expert in mixing Sarojini Nagar stuff with GK-1 and Janpath with Khan Market. (Yeh Jalwa Fashion Ka Hai).

>We need each other to bitch about anything and everything and we love it.

>We both are great readers and between us, we have crossed ten fiction ordeals including three gems from Chetan Bhagat and incidentally we read Fountainhead as well. So, how diverse/digressed our taste is, you can imagine.

>We both had an instant crush for Howard Roark and we jointly tried to figure out how he would walk, how one can flaunt one’s indifferent best etc. The mediocre we are we both failed. We even went to a corporate event to have first person glimpse of a real life Roark. His achievements are rock solid and he’s an architect but the way he was squeezing that cigarette we both were hugely disappointed. He almost raped the whitely clad babe. He was so hungry for attention- so us-ish that we immediately left the scene before he could open his mouth. On the way back J told me “Man, you play Roark better while in smokes than that idiot. Hold the puff baby, hold it, somebody, tell him yaar. And he became an architect just because he liked Fountainhead-asshole.”

>I am not much of a hunk but then he is not that cheap and that’s how we compliment each other.

>But the one that did it all, the one that started this Fire, the one that resulted in this bang-bang bond is the fact that we both worship Arjun Rampal. “Really?” “YES, really.” These were our pleasantly surprised reactions at the news and boys, did we hit off from that point onwards? Normally, I don’t care if I have a colleague who is sincere, docile, concerned, whatever. He’s just a colleague after all and he will stab you at the first opportunity. I never do nor does J. But both of us had faced the same bouncers over the years. “Arjun is a deadpan, he can’t emote, he is so uninteresting,” and the most heinous of the lot “He has got a husky tongue.” I almost killed a dear pal over this ass shoot off. Arjun, after all has the manliest of a voice next only to Mr. Amitabhji Bachhan. We had paid heavily over the years for our common devotion. So, all we needed in our life was not some handsome hike neither a chirpy chick, we badly required a fellow who could rant Rampal like we did. And we are happy to have finally met us. For heaven’s sake it’s not due to Rock On or OSO but I would say, despite them. We have backed him even when he gave 11 duds in a row. Recently, we have applied for a joint license for AK47 (directly with ISI), especially, for lumberjacks who say: John is better/ Hrithik is hunk/ Saif is royal/ stumpy Shahid is cute/ Salman is a rock star/ Dino’s got good packs too/ even Zayed is a shining star. Keep mum wherever you are or we won’t mind going on a killing spree. However, there is some respite but only for the members of Johnny Depp fan club and that too for the fact that we want some competition at the international level. Nishant Dahiya is a potential Indian threat though. He's my bro and I am biased but I am never wrong in predicting an existing big thing. Coming back to us, J, for your information, recently tabooed err tattooed both his forearms ala Arjun. (The sucker got to meet Him in one of the Rock On concert and couldn’t even sms me about it. He was kick asssed meeting him and I kicked his ass knowing this). He’s an adorable son though. He actually tattooed his parents’ epithets- so nice but so unlike me.

>One of the whacky things from a long list that we often do. Once for a meeting, we were standing right in the middle of an international hospitality masterpiece (The Park) and national heritage herald (Jantar Mantar). We were waiting there for the valet to get us the car who was taking time and we both were hungry. Suddenly, J picked up his prathanas brought to him regularly by this sweet colleague of ours N. These were maithi ones and nothing was stuffed inside and we rolled them and started chewing like crazy. It was only later that we realized these two beautiful babes, they were staring us all this time. We are still clueless were they hungry for our attention or those prathanas? It was special as it was not planned. It was instant and reminded both of us of our college days.

>The only good part of our job is that ride we take from CP to Saket 3-times a week. Until India Gate we talk about job and clients, by Jor Bagh the topic is changed to aims and dreams, by the time we cross Lodhi Colony we are done with lost love in our lives. At Ansal Plaza we start bitching about colleagues and by the time we get to Saket we are able to finish our quota of Movies, Music and other Miscellaneous Matters.

Ergo, if you think, we have Broken our Backs over some Mountain or Minted Moans in Moonlit Miami, you are taking it wrong, dude. We are “Straight as an arrow.” At times, I think of our relation-shit err ship and I am glad finding it’s not an oath of life long friendship nor it’s in face frolicking and butt back biting bit as is the case in an organizational set up. Here are two individuals enjoying each other from 10 till 6 until it’s too late and nothing else thereafter. Yes, there are occasional “Catch Zoom-Arjun is there in Kingfisher Calendar Launch party” from his side and “HBO-Perfect Stranger 10 minutes from now, edited but still an awesome femme fatale” from me but nothing more. We never hang out on weekends. Also, he is a spoilsport- doesn’t drink nor smokes. It’s because of his simplicity that I hung on to him and my oneliners keep him going.

In short, though I made it so long, we are two beings trying to make fun out of a boring, killing and not sure tomorrow job and we have no string attached whatsoever. Normally, I feel compelled in a relationship; there are so many unspoken and unstated expectations. But this one is beautiful and free flowing. And I enjoy such hassle free hitches. He doesn’t give a damn about my hinterland hangovers and I care least about his business baggage. We don’t care who actually we are as long as we are ourselves and that makes it special.

Make what you have to and one last time hell is all I care.

My New Year

So 2009 has finally arrived and I am surprised I am still alive. Yes, you are right I am gonna write about what I did last evening, how the year 2008 has been for me and what not shall I do in 2009.

First thing first-last evening five of us got out of our houses, sat in Shantanu’s new year’s new car and headed for Guliya Bhai’s office cum farm house (and by Bhai I mean BHAI and in every sense of the word). It’s our ‘The Destination’ in the world and for all of us better than ‘Urban Pinds’ and Hard Rock Cafés of the world. We have a service boy at our disposal there who brings us Cigarettes, Chips, Chickens and in this flow of Cs i wanna say Chicks too-but this thing is strictly prohibited there and a reluctant thank to Guliya Bhai for this last clause. So, we arrived there armed with Old Monk and Smrinoff. And after each of us had done with the ritual I mean after everyone had spoken with their respective girlfriends, (I spend this time with Raju the service boy-‘where from Bihar, who else is in your family so on and so forth’. This is my way to avoid embarrassment and uselessly try to reassure myself about my singlehood.) we raised the toast to 2009. All was going fine but suddenly there was an altercation, between Sandy and Desu ‘u din take my call that day- I was in Gym, cell was at home and it went on and on.’ It was the minutest of the issue but it led to many a Ulhanees(long pending reciprocations).There was a clash in our ‘Company’, it was not normal, we drink every weekend but this was rare….all of us were involved in a while and it seemed a mess. K and Me are the usual suspects of our gang- we shrewdly avoid any discussion on us and fuel the fire by laughing at anything at everything spoken. We both were startled to see how ugly turn our bantering had taken.

It was something uncalled for but it had forced all of us to feel shocked. Enters M.The eldest among us and already he has made all of us chachus. So for this favor of him we reciprocate by paying attention to anything he says. He yelled some sermons and vows of friendship and believe me when you are four pegs down you don’t like to be educated. But situation was such we had to and at hindsight I think it was necessary as it helped in the soon to followed Maandwali. As soon as it was settled all of them yelled at me when I tried to imitate M by saying “come on yaar when ll we grow up” words were ok but not the timing and all of them shouted at me-
“South India jake tu apna culture bhool gaya hai, don’t you know it’s common here to follow a name with Gandu…pyar to isi se dikhta hai….aur haan hamne 2008 ki jitni bhadas nikalni thi naikal li”

“But I thought it was real.”

“It was real but not that serious as you take it.”

That’s how we all are-well organized in our randomness. Finally the mood was back We all played in loop that ragini from Oye Lucky Lucky Oye-Tu Raja Ki Rajdulari and there was unanimous verdict-this is the best folk song from land of Haryana and for me the first complete Haryanvi song I listened. No, I am not into Pink Floyds, Metallicas, Pearl Jams and Coldplays of the world. It’s just that I grew up around Kumar Sanu and I still prefer him over everything. But to every lover of music I recommend this folklore-ruthlessly sung from heart-Yes, heart- throat is just a pretence here.

We drank heavily-Rum,Vodka all rolled into one. Jokes were back.We had seen two faces of our Dosti-in these two hours of two overlapping years.

But Me & Shantanu were still not convinced with the Cocktail-so we spoke in eyes and then we both smirked and rest of company yelled-
“Tanker ho gaye ho tum dono”
“So what-anybody game for Blenders Pride”

Desu joined us rest of them joined the call for a home drop. We dropped them one by one and reached to another Get Together where only Shantanu was invited for. We finished our dose of BP to calm our BP. Then we danced too, don’t know for how long, don’t remember how I reached home, don’t know where did I vomit all the frustrations of 2008, don’t know y I slept only in my newly bought Alcott Undy in minus one degree temperature and don’t know how I entered in 2009.

My dad took me to our farm or to be precise KHET today and we were there to inspect the seeded crop of wheat. He was saying- “This is the problem of outsourcing-yahan se sukha chhod diya- is bar yeh GHINKE hain (the crop is dense this time) , See those they were sowed one month ahead of ours but none can tell the difference now” and I was like what the hell is going on I was still under hangover - I still am.


As for 2008- another year gone by.

And 2009 -another year that would be, terrorists forbid, gone by.

As for things that I shall not do-

• I shall not quit smoking. I prefer to burn myself and fade away than only fade away.
• For my average tenure of six months in a company I shall not resign this time not unless I am assed out.
• Even if chucked I shall not apply elsewhere and thanks Recession for raising my audacity.
• I shall try not to bug people who like to mind their own business.
• No, I shall not write any script or direct that Yashraj Banner flick that Mall I am trying to lease is too close to my heart.
• I shall not force my HR Manager to read my blog after her declared verdict that I am too predictable in my sarcasm and abuses. And I think she is yet to grow up in thinking (wink)

My Joy De Vivre

Too much of Mumbai-Seize, I can’t write about it especially when I know oodles of typing would still be too less and after next couple of days I would be just another common man praying it’s not me the next one and that’s all. There is no point in being superficially concerned when the only thing I can do is to curse politicians and hail our commandoes who I have already forgotten.

Today, I am writing about my newest fascination i.e. the joy I find in the quotes by big and successful ones. I know it’s kind of ridiculous and heinous to share your joy de vivre in an hour of national mourning but after much deliberation my conclusion is ‘I shall still be normal, no matter what’.

So here are some that amuse me:

“If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete.”Jack Welch
And thanks to Mr. Welch that I am jealously lazy and profoundly laidback. But deep down, it itches me to have one of my own.

“The best way to get approval is not to need it.” Hugh Macloid
It’s somewhat Rand-ish but nevertheless enticing. My recent anti social approach is its immediate fall out.

“With people of limited ability modesty is merely honesty. But with those who possess great talent it is hypocrisy.” Arthur Schopenhauer
That I am not hypocrite says I may have some talent left. But I agree with him how you can be modest when you know the person you are facing is a luul and all he expects from you is humility and not the grandeur that might scare him.

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” Freidrich Nietzsche
Don’t they?

“It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.” Freidrich Nietzsche
And mine is to say none at all. Is it abnormal if one wants to keep quite?

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Freidrich Nietzsche
That I am lonely and frightened makes me feel that it’s the whole world I am fighting against. (right blink, left blink, both wink)

“If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.” Freidrich Nietzsche
But I personally feel there is more to condemn and less to pardon.

“The noble soul has reverence for itself.” Freidrich Nietzsche
Good panacea for complexed ones like me.

“Poetry is finer and more philosophical than history; for poetry expresses the universal, and history only the particular.” Aristotle
Don’t know much about poetry but my ever lurking hatred for history seems to have some backing.

“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination” James R. Jarmusch.
Here is the exhortation of plagiarism but still it sounds honest.

“All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.” Albert Camus
That my present situation is ridiculous means there is a greatness in making so what if greatness of absurdity but still a greatness…..OK…hmm.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Albert Camus
Believe me, no one does or the hard work I have done over the years to stay normal would have been recognized.

“Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.” Albert Camus
The fact that I am trying to camouflage my mediocrity and cowardice proves it.

" Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way. Edward de Bono"
Yes and I have started to take note of a great body from a 90* altered head.

“Words are loaded pistols.” Jean Paul Sartre
To be honest they are.

“Most executives, many scientists, and almost all business school graduates believe that if you analyze data, this will give you new ideas. Unfortunately, this belief is totally wrong. The mind can only see what it is prepared to see.”Edward de Bono
Exactly and that’s the reason I have stopped reviewing quarterly reports, business research journals and those excel loads in office. Instead, I prefer daily soaps and believe me I wonder at the abilities of these great creative writers to be able to delude so called thinking audiences.

“Most of the mistakes in thinking are inadequacies of perception rather than mistakes of logic.” Edward De Bono
This one makes up for my lack of logical quotient.

“Maybe if people think they have this terrific quality, then they'll forget about the calories and the fat.” Jack Trout
My increasing waistline proves that I have forgotten about fat and calories but where is that fucking, terrific and terrible quality?

“Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.” Victor Hugo
Believe me these well to do and prosperous seem like monsters.

“The learned man knows that he is ignorant.” Victor Hugo
Deductive reasoning says those who are ignorant still have a chance to be in the category of learned ones.

“Creative writers are always greater than the causes that they represent.” E. M Forester
Yet to arrive at any conclusion on it but somewhat pessimistic.

“What is wonderful about great literature is that it transforms the man who reads it towards the condition of the man who wrote.” E. M Forester
I would say it only deludes and so more fataltastic(fatal+fantastic) even more than those classroom sermons that say it’s a nice world.

“If man makes himself a worm he must not complain when he is trodden on. –Kant”
That I am still a complainant shows I am yet to be a proven worm though trodden.

“Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.” Steve Jobs
I would say most. Excellence is such a loathsome trait.

“I wasn't satisfied just to earn a good living. I was looking to make a statement.” Donald Trump
To be honest it’s ambitious, it’s glamorous and it’s enticing. It’s so adventurous when at the end all you want is just to make a statement.

“To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.” Voltaire
I just missed in mannerism or you would have been reading these insights from a successful man not from some lamenting looser.

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” Walter Anderson
No, it doesn’t. It’s been almost two years now since I accepted that I am a good for nothing being. Forget improvement, my life has only worsened.

Hmm ... So I tried to be funny but I am still disturbed and impatient. Don’t know the exact cause whether it’s my job, my whims or my anger fits but still disturbed.....

Raj, Raj & Sarkar Raaj

Did Rahul Raj believe in 'Rang De Basanti' world? Perhaps he assumed himself Steven Mallory of The Fountainhead and took it upon himself to erase Tooheys of this world. Yes, people in the intelligentsia would describe the incident as a rush of young blood. Those pillars of society would term it foolish and a cheap effort of grabbing attention, politicians would exploit it both ways, news channels would get more air time out of it and people like me would talk about him for 2-3 days and everything would be normal thereafter.

Was Rahul irrational in taking the weapon route?
Perhaps. But may be he knew what happened to Satyendra Dubey, IIT Graduate, who was murdered for trying to expose corruption and to S.Manjunath ,IIM Alumnus, who met the same fate for same kind of daring. Honesty irrespective of its form, in this country has only one fate: the fate of Mr. Dubey, of Mr. Manjunath and now of Mr. Rahul Raj. The difference lies only in execution. But why am I comparing a juvenile and immature young man to the two stalwarts who chose to fight the system with the only weapon they had-their honesty and belief in them to be able to change the system?

Yes, their background was different, their means to take on the establishment were apart but their aim was same- to change the rotten lot for a better world and not by some petty gimmick but with the highest form of gallantry-their courage.

Shaheed Bhagat Singh threw the bomb in the assembly and gave himself up to Firangs, perhaps, he was aware that he would not be shot then and there. And he was given a chance to flaunt his heroics by the so called inhuman rulers. But here in this Democratic-Secular-Secure-Diverse-Free-Tolerant and Modern country, Mr. Rahul Raj seemed to have over expected the generosity- that it would be understood he did not want to kill innocents but was trying to register his protest against a vice- a threat against whom no politician, police officer or any common man could come out in open, not until it suited them. But the police, the state home minister, the center government, the opposition, the politicians of Bihar all by their respective responses have told crisp and clear that heroics of any form will be ripped apart, will be traded in political brothel called Parliament, will be mocked by compensation and will be forgotten after it's no more useful.

Mr. Rahul Gandhi-the heir apparent, he would spend night in a Dalit's House, would register his doubts about an institution the dumb-head never deserved but he will never come behind an honest man. Stop flaunting, you fake and accept after all you are just another greedy politician.

Mr. Lal Krishan Advani- the PM in waiting, if you think by demolishing a Mosque, by killing Christians, by illogical saffronnization you will achieve the coveted chair- you are dead right. In all probability you are our next PM and I thank you a lot for keeping mum at a hero's hanging.

Mr Sharad Pawar-Union Agriculture Minister, could you please tell us the number of farmers died, out of hunger, in your home state? I guess you were too busy in your BCCI stint. I should have asked the money you made out of IPL or how many centuries did Sachin score in your tenure? It was heartening to see your silence at Mr. Patil's comments on Rahul Raj Encounter. This is the only way you will be sent again to Parliament.

Mr Lallu Prasad Yadav, could you please tell the number of jobs you deprived from Bihari people during your 15 years of rule? I am mesmerized by the way you are exploiting his murder.

Yes, it's well known that all politicians are same and I am being carried away in stating the obvious. Yes, I am emotional and I am emotional because those fits of anger come across in my mind too, say, after a 'Rang De' or a Rahul's or Dubey's or Manjunath's murder. But I know I am coward and insecure and I can't take them outside my drawing room. I know it's easy to show your disgust in the confines of your comforts and also how impossible it is to gather the sort of bravery as the young man did?

Be rational, show tolerance and stay balanced in life- this is how you are groomed to be an ideal citizen.

I am asking how you can show restrain among all the chaos around. When you know anytime your body can be blasted by attention savvy terrorist, when you know the train you take to reach to your work place might well be your last journey just because the person sitting next to you have been pepped up to take your life, when you know people like Raj Thakre do exist and they move freely and very soon they will be seen in parliament, when you know you can't be a part of this trash and also you know you are unable to come out of it. How?

I want to salute you Young Man but I can't as I don't deserve to. You bid adieu to this world and to all its commotion on your own terms, in your own chosen way and in trying to fight some of its evil. It does not matter that they will trade your dead body, it does not matter your manner and motive will never be understood, it does not matter people like you are always in rarity.

The important thing is people like you did exist.

For it was not an act of uproar,
It was helplessness at its core;
When you know nothing will yield a complain,
It is hard to show any restrain;
When you only chaos are in offing,
You will but hit the nail in that coffin;
When he knew it had reached that threshold,
He said it CIAO but did it only being bold.

Just when I am convinced that it's a nice world, the moment I am assured that mediocrity is a virtue, just the time I am assured that I can sustain myself among all the hype around, people like him come suddenly and show me the reality and its brutality and its absurdity.

Life is a bitch and yet again I am trying to be its dog.

Dreaded Duo

I hate to be repetitious but Cricket so much flows in my veins that I have to write about it and have to write it at the start. This particular article is a preamble to things to come later this year or early next year. Mr. Wall and Mr. Specialist will be humiliated, mocked and torn apart in full public glare and with all the media coverage and very deservedly so. And Being one of the most loathsome opponents of the two I take it as a moral obligation to write their due obituary even before their demise.

My first objection to their existence is their self belief and ability to stand tall against the best in the business. In an age of fast cars, faster mode of communication and still faster way to execution (through bomb blast) how could these two bastards stay unfazed and concentrate on the job at hand? And they did it for more than a decade. In an age where boom-boom is the shortest and easiest way to glory, how could these two apply themselves ball by ball, session by session; sweating, taking blows on stomach, on face, on chest and still not gave up? In an era of Big Boss, MTV Roadies, Indian Idol all masterpieces on their own and reflecting true taste of society, the culprits in question gave us a boring Eden Gardens and a frustrating Adelaide. Couldn’t any body remind them the amount spent on broadcasting?

Their most heinous crime is to be the first among equals in a battle of courage but their reluctance to be a participant in a gang rape; a gang rape with full sanction of industry, media and general public and called T20. Here you are given the option of facing a bowler with his ass well oiled on a flat track and your virility is to be tested whether you hit him for a six or four and their will be appreciation even for holding out in the deep with the comments ‘at least, he tried.’ You have to be a base ball player in the guise of a Cricketer. That they tried to remain cricketer is the testimony of their impotence. When the bowlers themselves don’t complain and find a way to remain in news by slapping each other and getting high on dopes, these two needs to be punished for still being quiet. Isn’t it then, a poetic justice that the same bowlers err Khiladis find solace in Hasinas and the two in question get due humiliation bit by bit and from one and all?

T20 is perfect and is the need of hour, the TRP it got says it all. That it is backed by biggest business and entertainment persons is purely coincidental. It’s the public demand that forced them invest into it and in no way they drive the public sentiments. That same public liked Ashes 2005 and made it the most watched sports event ever is an aberration. That Test Cricket can be made popular in a society that knows exactly what it wants is a wishful thinking. T20 is here to stay.

So, I request all readers of this article to please assemble at the Stone-Pelting Ceremony marked for the demise of the duo and to be announced soon. It’s our moral duty to remove all traces of heroics prevalent around. And being one of the strongest believers in Societal Ethos and Public Demand I will be the first one to begin.