Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Cult of Appam

Not that he’s some writing sensation or the hype that surrounds him that is prompting me to write this piece. But when an historical metaphor emerges from some one who is fake, it makes an interesting story. The fake has given the world a hope-

A hope that steadies the ship when in storm.
A dope that brings trance when life’s in form.
A loser’s dream, a winner’s cream
Imagine all in chorus, imagine all in scream…..

People this post is about Appam. Confused? Ok here’s a background story. Appam-ly err apparently, Appam is a member of our national cricket team and he is a fast bowler and a saint from God’s own country. I know, we all know who I am talking about so let’s stop it here.

The efforts put into create Appam, the hard work, the fake behind Appam’s fate everything is
here. However, for your convenience and my philoaophical interpretation and explaination I am pasting underneath the entire Appam manuscript. Enjoy it and see how Appam’s new found celebrity status lands him in Bollywood and in History.

When fake sees Appam in a party-
Appam Chutiya was also there. I don't know what he is doing in SA coz he aint fit to play at all. Apparently, he is their main cheerleader. If so, I don't see him dancing around in mini skirts at the boundary line. But he sure was dancing here. Doing his stupid, ill-rhythmed break dance steps on club beats. He stood in one corner as if he doesn't want to get mobbed. But dude, nobody here cares a fuck for who you are. To them you are just a duffus with colored hair, glasses and strange dance steps. I went to the bar counter to get myself a drink. I overheard 2 girls talking. One of them seemed to be of Indian origin. They were talking about Appam Chutiya. One of them said that "he doesn't have a nose. He has 2 large holes instead of a nose".

Fake’s take on Appam’s slap-gate
Apparently, Appam Chutiya wasn't slapped by Meera Bhai aka turbulator during last yr's tournament. He was crying because his team owner Babli hugged everyone after the match other than him. The Prince of Patiala aka yuhin saw an opportunity to take Meera Bhai out of the equation and accused him of slapping Appam. I think Appam is still waiting for that hug.

Appam’s claim to fame-
Appam Chutiya's name is now cast in stone as his own players are also calling him that

Appam unperturbed by success-
And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who's unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard.

Appam as King maker-
But look at the Bubblies. They have played a master stroke. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That's enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open, and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. SUperb! Superb!

Appam’s surprise act-
Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It's amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being.

Appam and humanity-
So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him. Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who've made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?

Appam’s Class
Finally, as they say in English, "Form is temporary, class is permanent". Or, as they say in Hindi "Appam ka Samay aur Chutiya hamesha kat-ta hai". Appam's done it again. First, he messes with a guy twice his size who has just belted him for sixes & fours, and then he goes to Cool Dude asking about his chances of making it to the T20 WC team if the main bowler doesn't recover in time. Cool Dude just laughed it off saying that he doesn't plan on visiting the match referee during the T20 WC.

Appam and Prince-
The Prince is quite pissed with Appam. He's been trying to tell Appam to reduce his attitude and improve his bowling. I have heard that nothing pisses off Appam more these days than someone calling him by his new name - Appam. Apparently, Big Mac had called him just that during change of overs the other day. And Cool Dude, who was batting with Mac at the time, had a huge grin on his face when he heard him say so. Prince hit him exactly where it hurts by saying, "Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai". When the boss cracks a joke, you got to roll on the floor with laughter. The whole team was in splits after that comment, although Appam wasn't quite amused. Probably he doesn't like people calling him only by his first name.

That was Appam’s character sketch and evolution and I know you are excited. But even Bollywood is singing Appam-anthem these days. Anurag Kashyap recently approached Appam for Gulaal’s sequal. Refer original promo here

This is Appam’s introduction in Gulaal-2

Haan hun appam,
Ganda dance karta hun,

Pant bhi gandi karta hun
Bowling usse bhi gandi karta hun,
Field mein 6Ke khatta hun
Field ke bahar appam katvata hun
His highness APPAM-jay naam hai mera

Forget Vijay in Deewar, Forget Ransa in Gulaal just cherish Appam in Gullal-2

Sleevless daal ke aata hai!
Mere se jyada 6ke khata hai !
Bubli se hug bhi leta hai !
Silicon hai uske pass !
Mere pass hole hain hole (points to his nose err his holes)

Voice Over- Silicon is temporary, holes are permanent….

Gulaal -2 Theme-
Iss Mulak ne harr saksh ko jo kaam tha sopa
Iss Mulak ne harr saksh ko jo kaam tha sopa
Uss saksh ne uss kaam ka APPAM bana ke kata

But the buck doesn’t stop here. Apparently Dil-Don, the King himself is making Knight Rider’s Kaante. It will show how rider’s shot each other on their way to gutter. Appam’s is in special appearance doing the role of Mahesh Manjarekar. Here’s the teaser

Prince: Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai

Appam: Hun appam, hun saala appam, to kya?
Naak ki gazhai 2 hole dekhe kahin------------ -hun saala appam to kya?
School mein kabhi pant mein piss kiya? …….…..hun saala appam to kya ?

HAQ ke liye nahi maine HUG ke liye thappad khaya. phir bhi, phir bhi hug nahi mila. mili to kya tarikh, tarikh pe tarikh tarikh pe ---hun saala appam to kya?

tu- tu saale 6 maar ke bhi match harvata hai..Shakal dikha ke, sirf shakal dikha ke match jeetata hun.. hun saala appam, to kya?

Haan lekin ek baat yaad rakh APPAM ka Samay aur Appam, hamesha kat-te aaya hain..aur yeh yun hi kat-ta rahega…………………hun saala appam, to kya?

Yes, friends the day is not far when the cult of Appam will reach it’s critical mass. There will be Appam T-shirts, Appam handbags, Appam vibrators, Appam key rings. And everywhere you will find people talking--

Appam, movie thi, yaar?

Appam, lagta hai shakal se saala.

Khush mat ho Appam kaat rahi hai tera.

Appam job hai yaar, kya kaaren?

Appam saale, to cheez hai cheez.

Kya Appam-appa hai yaar?

If Don Quixote redefined idealism, if Catch-22 galvinized chicken-egg puzzle, Appam will go down in the annuls of history as the single most Indian contribution to literature in revolutionizing CHUTIYAPPA. (AMEN, AMEN, AMEN)
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