When honor turned into a horror

How honor operates in a man? I wish it was just another line or to elaborate just another line-to me. It’s from Fountainhead and its Gail discussing it with Dominique. Though every word in the book is special in its own right, this line stands out- to me. Having read that line numerously, I often contemplate about this horror genre. I juxtapose my mistakes and my so called high points and try to find how honored or horror-ed I feel at them. Expectedly, I find myself in an endless stream of guilt and with a slight ray of hope that one day I would be able to turn myself around.

I am detailing out one incident when my honor was mocked, raped and was turned into a horrific horror. It was during my stint with an Architectural Firm. I was in the Business Development and my job was to sell the firm to prospective clients. I had used big jargons during the interview and so expectations were commensurate. A few months into the job, I hadn’t done anything substantial to justify my salary. My boss (He is a certain Chopra and yes very much like Prem and also Pret Chopra to be specific) had given me constant reminders to raise my level of competence. I mean competence in designing glossy presentations and articulately deliver them. It wasn’t that I didn’t try but my best effort was still not good enough. So, one day the death bell finally rang. He asked me to look for another job and gave me three months for it. Since the beginning he had been ruthless, unsupportive, inhuman and aloof. But at that moment he was all of them together and much more.

On one side I wanted to shout-Did you ever sit with me? Did you, for once, help me learn the craft? I am just a fresher and I needed some guidance. But why- was on another side.
I knew he was devil only to me and not to his work. He was always apt at it- be in decorating power point templates or delivering the same to Sarkari Babus as well to big developers. He was just good at it.

I was in dilemma; I wanted to kick his balls and also wanted badly to learn some of the art from him. So, to save my so called honor-I followed the escape route and threw my resignation at his table within next five minutes. He tried to stop but washroom was calling. I bolted the door from inside. No, I didn’t jerk, I cried loudly- at my helplessness and at his dexterity, at my willingness to learn and at his inhumanness. It was -he was logical but still not consistent and I was bad but not bad enough kind of situation.

By evening, I was with my room mate who tried to console me with sweeteners and exhortations like- Yaar- you are not that bad, uttha lein salle ko (he had been a college time goon and so did I) , to hell with that job et al. I gave up and we drank and everything was normal by morning.

I am fascinated towards big words, don’t know since when-but I am. I pick them up, try to follow them and then the practicality of life ensues and I curse not me but those words-why they were invented at all. Thus honor is still an unsolved mystery and I never feel dignified. Thanks to my early life bad company, I still commit grossest of the things and then try to play with the words (I am doing it now) to delude myself.

What the fuck are benchmarks for?
Why are you born when you know you can never be perfect?
Why did I do that?
Why I still do that?
Why carnal pleasures (sex, cigarette) can never be overpowered?

(It’s a senseless post of mine but I had to write it and please, don’t suggest yoga and spirituality and self help books. It’s a psychological issue and I am on my way to become a psycho to overcome it.)

Discard

I want to have cars,
I want to flaunt love through that beautiful babe;
And I want attention,
But nothing matches the charm of being a discard.

The New Man in my Life - J

It’s not easy task to describe the mood when you finally meet that man in your life, the man you were waiting for all these whiles-the perfect partner-your man. He’s J-my latest obsession(Refer Pic). It’s been eight months since we first shook hand at the induction. Ahh! Those first moments when we felt each other’s energy in our hands, those were special and we are hand in pants since then. People! spar mae da horr (Spare me the horror) but he is the most charming face around (his skin, his stubble, his height, his lean but toned bod…… omg)- he is my newest

man after all. It becomes very difficult for me to suffer the office chores when he is not around. He comes over to my cubicle every twenty minute and I go to his after another ten minutes, means we are only ten minutes away from us. What clicks for us, why we so much like each other’s company, why are we an item are some of the things we will discuss in this Fashion-ably compelling Dostana tale?

Some random matchings-matings-musings-

>We are both from small towns with big dreams and lost trains. Yes, so are many but hell we care.
>We both are Big Time Brand Savvy-Italian brands to be specific. We both started our brands’ affair with Benetton (Benetau, this is how it’s actually pronounced) but he’s more inclined towards Sisley. Our ratio of apparel shopping is 1:2. i.e. for every single piece I buy he brings two and thanks to his business background. Our recent common crush is Alcott and Boggi is next in pipeline. Gucci, Armani, TOD, Zegna and Ferrari will have to wait for a while but they are not out of contention. Madura Garments and Arvind Brands are also in the fray but only when the stuff is good and different and we are in first week of the month. And we are expert in mixing Sarojini Nagar stuff with GK-1 and Janpath with Khan Market. (Yeh Jalwa Fashion Ka Hai).

>We need each other to bitch about anything and everything and we love it.

>We both are great readers and between us, we have crossed ten fiction ordeals including three gems from Chetan Bhagat and incidentally we read Fountainhead as well. So, how diverse/digressed our taste is, you can imagine.

>We both had an instant crush for Howard Roark and we jointly tried to figure out how he would walk, how one can flaunt one’s indifferent best etc. The mediocre we are we both failed. We even went to a corporate event to have first person glimpse of a real life Roark. His achievements are rock solid and he’s an architect but the way he was squeezing that cigarette we both were hugely disappointed. He almost raped the whitely clad babe. He was so hungry for attention- so us-ish that we immediately left the scene before he could open his mouth. On the way back J told me “Man, you play Roark better while in smokes than that idiot. Hold the puff baby, hold it, somebody, tell him yaar. And he became an architect just because he liked Fountainhead-asshole.”

>I am not much of a hunk but then he is not that cheap and that’s how we compliment each other.

>But the one that did it all, the one that started this Fire, the one that resulted in this bang-bang bond is the fact that we both worship Arjun Rampal. “Really?” “YES, really.” These were our pleasantly surprised reactions at the news and boys, did we hit off from that point onwards? Normally, I don’t care if I have a colleague who is sincere, docile, concerned, whatever. He’s just a colleague after all and he will stab you at the first opportunity. I never do nor does J. But both of us had faced the same bouncers over the years. “Arjun is a deadpan, he can’t emote, he is so uninteresting,” and the most heinous of the lot “He has got a husky tongue.” I almost killed a dear pal over this ass shoot off. Arjun, after all has the manliest of a voice next only to Mr. Amitabhji Bachhan. We had paid heavily over the years for our common devotion. So, all we needed in our life was not some handsome hike neither a chirpy chick, we badly required a fellow who could rant Rampal like we did. And we are happy to have finally met us. For heaven’s sake it’s not due to Rock On or OSO but I would say, despite them. We have backed him even when he gave 11 duds in a row. Recently, we have applied for a joint license for AK47 (directly with ISI), especially, for lumberjacks who say: John is better/ Hrithik is hunk/ Saif is royal/ stumpy Shahid is cute/ Salman is a rock star/ Dino’s got good packs too/ even Zayed is a shining star. Keep mum wherever you are or we won’t mind going on a killing spree. However, there is some respite but only for the members of Johnny Depp fan club and that too for the fact that we want some competition at the international level. Nishant Dahiya is a potential Indian threat though. He's my bro and I am biased but I am never wrong in predicting an existing big thing. Coming back to us, J, for your information, recently tabooed err tattooed both his forearms ala Arjun. (The sucker got to meet Him in one of the Rock On concert and couldn’t even sms me about it. He was kick asssed meeting him and I kicked his ass knowing this). He’s an adorable son though. He actually tattooed his parents’ epithets- so nice but so unlike me.

>One of the whacky things from a long list that we often do. Once for a meeting, we were standing right in the middle of an international hospitality masterpiece (The Park) and national heritage herald (Jantar Mantar). We were waiting there for the valet to get us the car who was taking time and we both were hungry. Suddenly, J picked up his prathanas brought to him regularly by this sweet colleague of ours N. These were maithi ones and nothing was stuffed inside and we rolled them and started chewing like crazy. It was only later that we realized these two beautiful babes, they were staring us all this time. We are still clueless were they hungry for our attention or those prathanas? It was special as it was not planned. It was instant and reminded both of us of our college days.

>The only good part of our job is that ride we take from CP to Saket 3-times a week. Until India Gate we talk about job and clients, by Jor Bagh the topic is changed to aims and dreams, by the time we cross Lodhi Colony we are done with lost love in our lives. At Ansal Plaza we start bitching about colleagues and by the time we get to Saket we are able to finish our quota of Movies, Music and other Miscellaneous Matters.

Ergo, if you think, we have Broken our Backs over some Mountain or Minted Moans in Moonlit Miami, you are taking it wrong, dude. We are “Straight as an arrow.” At times, I think of our relation-shit err ship and I am glad finding it’s not an oath of life long friendship nor it’s in face frolicking and butt back biting bit as is the case in an organizational set up. Here are two individuals enjoying each other from 10 till 6 until it’s too late and nothing else thereafter. Yes, there are occasional “Catch Zoom-Arjun is there in Kingfisher Calendar Launch party” from his side and “HBO-Perfect Stranger 10 minutes from now, edited but still an awesome femme fatale” from me but nothing more. We never hang out on weekends. Also, he is a spoilsport- doesn’t drink nor smokes. It’s because of his simplicity that I hung on to him and my oneliners keep him going.

In short, though I made it so long, we are two beings trying to make fun out of a boring, killing and not sure tomorrow job and we have no string attached whatsoever. Normally, I feel compelled in a relationship; there are so many unspoken and unstated expectations. But this one is beautiful and free flowing. And I enjoy such hassle free hitches. He doesn’t give a damn about my hinterland hangovers and I care least about his business baggage. We don’t care who actually we are as long as we are ourselves and that makes it special.

Make what you have to and one last time hell is all I care.

My New Year

So 2009 has finally arrived and I am surprised I am still alive. Yes, you are right I am gonna write about what I did last evening, how the year 2008 has been for me and what not shall I do in 2009.

First thing first-last evening five of us got out of our houses, sat in Shantanu’s new year’s new car and headed for Guliya Bhai’s office cum farm house (and by Bhai I mean BHAI and in every sense of the word). It’s our ‘The Destination’ in the world and for all of us better than ‘Urban Pinds’ and Hard Rock Cafés of the world. We have a service boy at our disposal there who brings us Cigarettes, Chips, Chickens and in this flow of Cs i wanna say Chicks too-but this thing is strictly prohibited there and a reluctant thank to Guliya Bhai for this last clause. So, we arrived there armed with Old Monk and Smrinoff. And after each of us had done with the ritual I mean after everyone had spoken with their respective girlfriends, (I spend this time with Raju the service boy-‘where from Bihar, who else is in your family so on and so forth’. This is my way to avoid embarrassment and uselessly try to reassure myself about my singlehood.) we raised the toast to 2009. All was going fine but suddenly there was an altercation, between Sandy and Desu ‘u din take my call that day- I was in Gym, cell was at home and it went on and on.’ It was the minutest of the issue but it led to many a Ulhanees(long pending reciprocations).There was a clash in our ‘Company’, it was not normal, we drink every weekend but this was rare….all of us were involved in a while and it seemed a mess. K and Me are the usual suspects of our gang- we shrewdly avoid any discussion on us and fuel the fire by laughing at anything at everything spoken. We both were startled to see how ugly turn our bantering had taken.

It was something uncalled for but it had forced all of us to feel shocked. Enters M.The eldest among us and already he has made all of us chachus. So for this favor of him we reciprocate by paying attention to anything he says. He yelled some sermons and vows of friendship and believe me when you are four pegs down you don’t like to be educated. But situation was such we had to and at hindsight I think it was necessary as it helped in the soon to followed Maandwali. As soon as it was settled all of them yelled at me when I tried to imitate M by saying “come on yaar when ll we grow up” words were ok but not the timing and all of them shouted at me-
“South India jake tu apna culture bhool gaya hai, don’t you know it’s common here to follow a name with Gandu…pyar to isi se dikhta hai….aur haan hamne 2008 ki jitni bhadas nikalni thi naikal li”

“But I thought it was real.”

“It was real but not that serious as you take it.”

That’s how we all are-well organized in our randomness. Finally the mood was back We all played in loop that ragini from Oye Lucky Lucky Oye-Tu Raja Ki Rajdulari and there was unanimous verdict-this is the best folk song from land of Haryana and for me the first complete Haryanvi song I listened. No, I am not into Pink Floyds, Metallicas, Pearl Jams and Coldplays of the world. It’s just that I grew up around Kumar Sanu and I still prefer him over everything. But to every lover of music I recommend this folklore-ruthlessly sung from heart-Yes, heart- throat is just a pretence here.

We drank heavily-Rum,Vodka all rolled into one. Jokes were back.We had seen two faces of our Dosti-in these two hours of two overlapping years.

But Me & Shantanu were still not convinced with the Cocktail-so we spoke in eyes and then we both smirked and rest of company yelled-
“Tanker ho gaye ho tum dono”
“So what-anybody game for Blenders Pride”

Desu joined us rest of them joined the call for a home drop. We dropped them one by one and reached to another Get Together where only Shantanu was invited for. We finished our dose of BP to calm our BP. Then we danced too, don’t know for how long, don’t remember how I reached home, don’t know where did I vomit all the frustrations of 2008, don’t know y I slept only in my newly bought Alcott Undy in minus one degree temperature and don’t know how I entered in 2009.

My dad took me to our farm or to be precise KHET today and we were there to inspect the seeded crop of wheat. He was saying- “This is the problem of outsourcing-yahan se sukha chhod diya- is bar yeh GHINKE hain (the crop is dense this time) , See those they were sowed one month ahead of ours but none can tell the difference now” and I was like what the hell is going on I was still under hangover - I still am.


As for 2008- another year gone by.

And 2009 -another year that would be, terrorists forbid, gone by.

As for things that I shall not do-

• I shall not quit smoking. I prefer to burn myself and fade away than only fade away.
• For my average tenure of six months in a company I shall not resign this time not unless I am assed out.
• Even if chucked I shall not apply elsewhere and thanks Recession for raising my audacity.
• I shall try not to bug people who like to mind their own business.
• No, I shall not write any script or direct that Yashraj Banner flick that Mall I am trying to lease is too close to my heart.
• I shall not force my HR Manager to read my blog after her declared verdict that I am too predictable in my sarcasm and abuses. And I think she is yet to grow up in thinking (wink)

My Joy De Vivre

Too much of Mumbai-Seize, I can’t write about it especially when I know oodles of typing would still be too less and after next couple of days I would be just another common man praying it’s not me the next one and that’s all. There is no point in being superficially concerned when the only thing I can do is to curse politicians and hail our commandoes who I have already forgotten.

Today, I am writing about my newest fascination i.e. the joy I find in the quotes by big and successful ones. I know it’s kind of ridiculous and heinous to share your joy de vivre in an hour of national mourning but after much deliberation my conclusion is ‘I shall still be normal, no matter what’.

So here are some that amuse me:

“If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete.”Jack Welch
And thanks to Mr. Welch that I am jealously lazy and profoundly laidback. But deep down, it itches me to have one of my own.

“The best way to get approval is not to need it.” Hugh Macloid
It’s somewhat Rand-ish but nevertheless enticing. My recent anti social approach is its immediate fall out.

“With people of limited ability modesty is merely honesty. But with those who possess great talent it is hypocrisy.” Arthur Schopenhauer
That I am not hypocrite says I may have some talent left. But I agree with him how you can be modest when you know the person you are facing is a luul and all he expects from you is humility and not the grandeur that might scare him.

"Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” Freidrich Nietzsche
Don’t they?

“It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book.” Freidrich Nietzsche
And mine is to say none at all. Is it abnormal if one wants to keep quite?

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.” Freidrich Nietzsche
That I am lonely and frightened makes me feel that it’s the whole world I am fighting against. (right blink, left blink, both wink)

“If there is something to pardon in everything, there is also something to condemn.” Freidrich Nietzsche
But I personally feel there is more to condemn and less to pardon.

“The noble soul has reverence for itself.” Freidrich Nietzsche
Good panacea for complexed ones like me.

“Poetry is finer and more philosophical than history; for poetry expresses the universal, and history only the particular.” Aristotle
Don’t know much about poetry but my ever lurking hatred for history seems to have some backing.

“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination” James R. Jarmusch.
Here is the exhortation of plagiarism but still it sounds honest.

“All great deeds and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.” Albert Camus
That my present situation is ridiculous means there is a greatness in making so what if greatness of absurdity but still a greatness…..OK…hmm.

“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Albert Camus
Believe me, no one does or the hard work I have done over the years to stay normal would have been recognized.

“Those who lack the courage will always find a philosophy to justify it.” Albert Camus
The fact that I am trying to camouflage my mediocrity and cowardice proves it.

" Creativity involves breaking out of established patterns in order to look at things in a different way. Edward de Bono"
Yes and I have started to take note of a great body from a 90* altered head.

“Words are loaded pistols.” Jean Paul Sartre
To be honest they are.

“Most executives, many scientists, and almost all business school graduates believe that if you analyze data, this will give you new ideas. Unfortunately, this belief is totally wrong. The mind can only see what it is prepared to see.”Edward de Bono
Exactly and that’s the reason I have stopped reviewing quarterly reports, business research journals and those excel loads in office. Instead, I prefer daily soaps and believe me I wonder at the abilities of these great creative writers to be able to delude so called thinking audiences.

“Most of the mistakes in thinking are inadequacies of perception rather than mistakes of logic.” Edward De Bono
This one makes up for my lack of logical quotient.

“Maybe if people think they have this terrific quality, then they'll forget about the calories and the fat.” Jack Trout
My increasing waistline proves that I have forgotten about fat and calories but where is that fucking, terrific and terrible quality?

“Adversity makes men, and prosperity makes monsters.” Victor Hugo
Believe me these well to do and prosperous seem like monsters.

“The learned man knows that he is ignorant.” Victor Hugo
Deductive reasoning says those who are ignorant still have a chance to be in the category of learned ones.

“Creative writers are always greater than the causes that they represent.” E. M Forester
Yet to arrive at any conclusion on it but somewhat pessimistic.

“What is wonderful about great literature is that it transforms the man who reads it towards the condition of the man who wrote.” E. M Forester
I would say it only deludes and so more fataltastic(fatal+fantastic) even more than those classroom sermons that say it’s a nice world.

“If man makes himself a worm he must not complain when he is trodden on. –Kant”
That I am still a complainant shows I am yet to be a proven worm though trodden.

“Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.” Steve Jobs
I would say most. Excellence is such a loathsome trait.

“I wasn't satisfied just to earn a good living. I was looking to make a statement.” Donald Trump
To be honest it’s ambitious, it’s glamorous and it’s enticing. It’s so adventurous when at the end all you want is just to make a statement.

“To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.” Voltaire
I just missed in mannerism or you would have been reading these insights from a successful man not from some lamenting looser.

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” Walter Anderson
No, it doesn’t. It’s been almost two years now since I accepted that I am a good for nothing being. Forget improvement, my life has only worsened.

Hmm ... So I tried to be funny but I am still disturbed and impatient. Don’t know the exact cause whether it’s my job, my whims or my anger fits but still disturbed.....