Self Vs Self

Q: Wt's been eating you, dear, its been the longest hiatus since you started here? The only thing you were regular in life was to post here at least once a month?
A: Nothing. Its just that I am entraped in a wider web now-one covering this world around me and the other within me. These two were always there in the subconscious but the struggle never was this prominent. The battle now, as was earlier, is not whether to live for my self or for those around me, its about whether to live or not. Despite utter respect for Ms Rand I could never fully understand Objectivism though Howard Roark is the only philosphical conception glamorous enough for a chase and has consumed a large part of my life. But now Its Nihilism vs Existentialism.

Q: So, now again you are philosophizing?
A: What else am I supposed to do? The forces outside me are taking their toll and have badly affected my routine. Though I never acted on schedule, things were never this tangy.

Q: So what exactly is eroding you?
A: Nothing particular but time and again this debate of Sacrifice Vs Selfishness resurfaces. I, personally feel and of the firm view that there is no such thing as sacrifice. (Incidentally, this was casually put forth by a former pal who I would like to stay foremer). Sacrifice is a tool one uses not to control the benefactor's body and will, it's a deceptive mechanism that aims at ruling the intended souls.

Q:Would you elaborate? What about the pain one's parents go through to nourish their ward? Is that sacrifice, duty or debt they are repaying?
A: I, for one, believe that is their duty. But the ambience surrounding me claims in return the duty expected of a ward. Yes, a ward to fulfill his emtional and social karma, should look after and help financially and physically and as far as possible socially as well. But the modern day dilemna, especially of the world I come from, is about parents' effort to control vs progenies' mutiny and also children's neglect vs parent's helplessness.

Q: I must say that was the most vaguest of statements expected of you.
A: May be. But the concept of love especially unconditional love, has been dying down. The one against lust was a forgone conclusion but the situation has forced it to be the dominant one. And with every defeat belief in the enitre value system takes it toll.

Q: Are you trying to say you are being overrawed by local ingredients?
A: To an extent and without naming by the man I am most attached to and the most heartless soul I have ever seen. The more I try to strenghten him in whatever way I can, the murkier and greedier becomes his response. His ignorance is killing not only my respect for him but also my respect for his entire clan-one moment he is pleading, the next one he dictates just to fulfill his motive with out stating what exactly those are.

Q: So when you say you are being overrawed why not accept the deafeat and do as they wish?
A: The problem is not about acceptance. The issue is despite the nod my past is so irregular, they even suspect the most sincere of my attempts-be it former colleagues, parents, friends, relatives-its the same situation. They cant trust me and whatever has been done to me even I doubt each of their move.

Q: So you are saying none wants you to suceed?
A: They do may be they don't. But in either case its Catch 22 and I have no clue of this metaphycisim.

Q: May be you are rusty as expected of a jobless or one intellectual rightly pointed-entangling Culture with Idealism?
A: Being jobless has its repercussions and may be I am interwining the two but the reality as I have experienced, I observe and I imagine is too complex. Its too difficult either way to follow.
There has been an added burden of unstated responsibilities, which may be nothing at the end, but at the moment projects a world of its own.